I can't breathe when he isn't here. I have never experienced this. I grew up military, I enlisted, I was a military spouse; separation from loved ones is something I'm used to. I've always been able to deal with it. But there is a hole in my chest that is shaped like him. There is a place in my heart that only he can fill. And his absence is agony beyond words. I consider myself a very strong and independent person. I can handle alot, I have big shoulders. But I wake up every morning hoping to see him there and he's not. I can't sit in my bath tub without seeing him sitting next to me and waiting for him to say something. I prepare a meal in the kitchen and for a moment I think I see him standing by the fridge smiling that crooked grin at me like he did when he was here.
Romance novels always describe an ache inside when the lover is missing. I always imagined it to mean an lustful ache. But no, this ache is soul deep and comes from the absence of one I love so much I can't envision my life without him anymore. I'm not a romantic person by nature. All the childish fancies of love I'd read about as a teenager were wiped out of me over a decade ago. I stand rooted in reality. And yet any song he has ever played for me, any tune I equate with him, brings me to tears when I hear it. I find myself listening to the playlist I made for him over and over and wishing there was a way to speed time up until his arrival and make it stop when he gets here. It's hard to function day to day without his presence.
I've never known such agony. I've never known such love. And while it frightens me at times just how much I need him to be part of my life, I'm finally deciding that I want something for me. I'm not settling with my life as it is again. I have a drive now that I haven't had since I was 18. Nothing will keep me from writing a future with him. I know where I belong finally. And when I'm in his arms again, the agony will stop for a little while.
