Cracks in the Porcelain

Shadows
Darkness
Sadness
Hopelessness
These are my constant companions in life.
The emptiness.
It's like a curse.
It goes away for a little while
But it always comes back
The moment I start to feel happy
The instant I begin to have hope
It hits me like a wrecking ball
I fall over
I crack
Pieces of me fall off like a porcelain doll thrown against a wall.
Happiness doesn't exist.
Hope is an illusion.
Struggle
Survival
These are the only real truths.
After thirty years of lying to myself it's time I accept that.
All the Photoshop in the world can't paint this away.

Pin Pricks and Blood Spots

Get the needle, get the the pin,
get the sewing kit lets begin
No thread necessary, this is good,
no strings, all we need is skin and blood
Just listen to us little bird, listen to the voices that whisper dark
Listen to us as you stab and scrape feeling the sharp
Pins and blades in your skin,
make the lines so red and thin
No one will notice a shoulder, a thigh
Good. just wait for the blood to dry.
We'll speak again soon little bird, just you wait.
You'll feel the metal kiss again, you'll see, it's a date.

Agony

I can't breathe when he isn't here.   I have never experienced this.  I grew up military, I enlisted, I was a military spouse; separation from loved ones is something I'm used to.  I've always been able to deal with it.  But there is a hole in my chest that is shaped like him.  There is a place in my heart that only he can fill.  And his absence is agony beyond words.  I consider myself a very strong and independent person.  I can handle alot, I have big shoulders.  But I wake up every morning hoping to see him there and he's not.  I can't sit in my bath tub without seeing him sitting next to me and waiting for him to say something.  I prepare a meal in the kitchen and for a moment I think I see him standing by the fridge smiling that crooked grin at me like he did when he was here. 

Romance novels always describe an ache inside when the lover is missing.  I always imagined it to mean an lustful ache.  But no, this ache is soul deep and comes from the absence of one I love so much I can't envision my life without him anymore.  I'm not a romantic person by nature.  All the childish fancies of love I'd read about as a teenager were wiped out of me over a decade ago.  I stand rooted in reality.  And yet any song he has ever played for me, any tune I equate with him, brings me to tears when I hear it.  I find myself listening to the playlist I made for him over and over and wishing there was a way to speed time up until his arrival and make it stop when he gets here.  It's hard to function day to day without his presence.

I've never known such agony.  I've never known such love.  And while it frightens me at times just how much I need him to be part of my life, I'm finally deciding that I want something for me.  I'm not settling with my life as it is again.  I have a drive now that I haven't had since I was 18.  Nothing will keep me from writing a future with him.  I know where I belong finally.  And when I'm in his arms again, the agony will stop for a little while.

No Longer Your Savior

I was there when no one else cared if you took one more breath.  I sat with you in the darkness and coaxed you back to the land of the living, not once, not twice, but three times.  When others goaded you, I gave you logic and sense.  But you don't hear logic and sense do you little weakling?  No, you hear the ones you cried to tell you to pull the fucking trigger.  You hate me for stopping you.  Fine.  I did what was right.  And when what you were doing was found out, even those who call you their blood cheered me on for giving a damn about you and putting up with your whimpers and threats. 

Go ahead.  Threaten now.  Blame me.  Say it's my fault.  But I didn't hand you the gun.  I didn't give you the bullets.  I won't be there to pull the trigger.  I struck out.  Now you're up to bat.  Fool.  Sniveling creature of twisted reason.  You don't even know what to call me.  How long did I call you mine?  And yet from one day to the next, even hour to hour, a different name falls from your lips when you speak to me.  Yes I am the Wolf but you knew my true name.  You knew all of me.  But while I accepted the monster in you, you hated the beast in me.  Why?  Because you knew I was stronger than you.  You knew I would never yield or bow.  And that pissed you off even more.  I will always be stronger than you.  I will always be better than you.  And if you do finally take matters to your own hands, I will weep.  But only a little.  It's your choice.  Your weakness, not mine.  I tried to save you.  But I'm no longer your savior.  I have cut you from my heart and spit on what little feeling remained.  Very quickly now, you who I once held dear, are becoming an object of abject hatred and utter disgust.  You were never my equal.  You never will be.  And now you mewl and cry in shadows of your own making.  I no longer pity you.  I no longer care what you do.  You will vanish from me, one way or another.

How unwise of you to decide to throw all the blame at me.  I can be the scapegoat.  But don't think for one minute you will be the martyr.  I'm still the only one that remotely cares that you're not dead yet.  Yet.  You keep threatening it.  You keep saying you're on the edge.  If you have the stupid notion to jump that's not my problem anymore.  I won't push you.  But I won't stop you this time either.  I'm done with you.  I won't even howl to mourn your passing.  I've done enough mourning over you and what you used to be.

You keep saying I'm the one that's changed.  Maybe that's true.  But I don't think you ever really knew who I am.  You saw the figment of your imagination wrapped in my skin.  You want the fantasy I wove for you, not the reality.  Do you even have a grasp on what's real anymore?  I don't think you do.  The only reality for you now is pain and that gun in your hand.  Fine.  I will walk back into my shadows.  Maybe I shouldn't have saved you.  Maybe I shouldn't have protected you from the one that hunted you.  I don't regret it.  But you're not worth my time anymore.  You're insignificant.  Now make your choice and keep me out of it you bastard.

The Wolf as Woman

this is the other side of being a wolf.  being in touch with the wild woman inside is a freeing thing.  the artist of this picture called it "wild muse" and it's very fitting.  i have hidden from who and what i am my entire existence.  we all try to make ourselves fit into society because it's what is expected.  i can play along now, pretend i'm normal, go to my job every day.  but even men twice my size have told those who don't know that i'm not a person to be messed with.  these are regular customers at my job telling some of their smart alek compatriots not to give me crap.  "but she's just a short little girl," the smart aleks say.  and without having seen me in a fight my regulars say "she'll take you down easy.  my money's on her." all because of what they sense in me.  i'm at peace with my beast, my wildness, though sometimes, yes, i struggle to keep it in check.  we all have that part of us we have to keep leashed.  humans are animals, afterall, our evolution doesn't change our base instincts.  it's natural for us to hunt, to breed, to seek what is pleasing.  but we hide behind religion and societal rules.  no need to hide or fully conform.  we beasts know what is right and wrong in us.  and when you make peace with the wild inside, you feel a peace in every part of your life.  i am Wolf, i am Woman, i am myself.  who are you?

The Beast Inside

this is what it really means to be a wolf.  to struggle daily with the beast inside and hold onto you humanness.  the beast is always there, raging under the surface, calling for you to attack at the slightest provocation; those of us with bad tempers fare the worst in this.  i hid so long from my monster that i never really understood it until now.  i can be dark and ugly, brutal and severe.  i can tear you down with a look.  few, when the beast comes to the surface, can even stand to look me in the eye, even tho i'm nothing intimidating to look at.  i'm small, meek looking, many would think me an easy target.  but you see, it's always the smaller wolf that's the most deadly.  we've been ganged up on by all the big bad wolves.  we know how to take the pain.  and when the big badasses are done, when they're out of breath from dishing it out, it's the little wolves that show them what pain really is.  don't walk in the woods at night.  never look a wolf in the eye.  and if you see a woman with wolf eyes, run.  it might be fun to hunt you in the moonlight.

(I don't own this artwork, but I have always loved the dichotomy of it.  to the original artist, i say thank you for giving the inner battle a face)

I Will End You

There are things that are unforgiveable.  Their are sins beyond the point of remorse.  When such things happen, there is nothing but the cold emptiness of vengeance inside.  There have only been a few times that I become so enraged that I tremble with the need to strike out at the sinner.  I have made my own mistakes; there are things I wish I could take back.  But when you purposely lie, deceive, and seek to do harm, you deserve every punishment coming for you.  When you hurt those I call family, I will end you.  And I will do it with a smile on my face as I feel your blood spilling from between my teeth and warm my face as it splashes to the ground.  When I leave you a rotting husk on the ground for the ravens to pluck your eyes out and devour your entrails, maybe then your sins will be absolved.  Even if not, I will feel so much better thinking of you rotting alone and forgotten in the mud where you belong.  Because when the birds are done with you and you work through their system and they leave you back on the ground, you will see what you really are - nothing but a piece of....