GAGGED, BOUND, SCREAMING

(Original post 6/19/2011)

We all have our breaking points. We have those moments that bring almost painful clarity. And in those moments, everything we were so sure of about ourselves is suddenly uncertain. I have been rocked to my very foundations, because a fundamental quality that has allowed me to survive with most of my mental faculties intact over the hardships in my life, may also be costing me the one I love. And if not costing me then at the very least it's hurting them. Because I don't know how to shut this defense mechanism down; the almost obsessive need to be strong and never depend on anyone. "Fiercely indepenent" one lover called it... and it cost me him too; despite our enduring friendship to this day. I look back over my life and I find that I now question every choice I have ever made in my relationships, past and present - be those romances or friendships.

A friend recently told me that the way I have lived my life - fiercely and boldly protecting those I love with my own strength while allowing no one to help me - is like the creed of a knight. Ironic since I keep saying I don't need or want a knight in shining armor to save me. I just want to be loved for who and how I am without being treated like a toy or a porcelain doll. And yet, when I get stressed, when I feel I'm failing in my duties as protector, mother, friend, lover, I'm harder on myself than any critic could possibly be. I don't lean on anyone but stand straighter and dig my feet in deeper to push against the problem on my own. I can't allow myself to be weak or vulnerable because then what good am I to those who need me most. And yet when I get like this, when I go into survival mode, it's now been pointed out that I become cold and rigid. The very idea of accepting help is almost repugnant to me, because it implies I can't do something under my own strength of will. And despite my limited resources, stubborness and pride dictate that if I can't do it under my own power, then it doesn't need to be done.

And it boils down to fear - fear of betrayal, fear of being hurt, fear of being let down yet again, despite logically knowing that this time is different. Head and heart agree on that. And yet instinct will not yield. Will does not yield. And so I sit here with a heart wrapped in barbed wire and wonder how I can fix this defect... [Edit 10/11/2020 - turns out instinct was right.]


The lyrics of this song really hit home with me right now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2pdTX1_2fOo&feature=channel_video_title