(Originally post 2/2/2011)
Sometimes it takes wrestling your demons and nearly losing to find out what matters in life. Many would say family. But for me the problem is that my flesh and blood family hinders my progress more than helps. It's my online family, the one I have built, that is supportive and loving. My friends and family from my online community are the ones who care when I'm hurt, when I'm sad, or when I sink so low that I want to just sink into oblivion and nearly took myself there on a one way ticket. Some nights I cry until I have no tears left and can only try to still my body while dry sobs rack me to my soul. The cutting eases the inner pain, gives me something to focus on other than the hole in the center of my chest that fills me with so much emptiness. It's egged on by the voices in my head telling me I'm worthless, useless, a failure, a bad mother, that I don't deserve to be loved and taken care of.
I look in the mirror sometimes and I don't recognize my own face. It's me but I look old and haggard. Lines crease my face that weren't there when I was happy; or at least when I told myself I was happy despite all the pain I was going through in my failed marriage. My eyes are dim, like one whose spirit has been crushed beyond repair. That's how I feel -- crushed, broken, irreparable. Shadows consume my mind and heart to the point I don't even bother screaming anymore. I just sit and let them have me. I can only fight so long before I sink into the inevitable dark up to my neck and wait for the final drowning.
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