THE PENDULUM SWINGS

(Originally posted 10/18/2010)


We all have bad days. We all have good days. But then there are those days where you feel so small and insignificant that you believe in the deepest part of you that if you vanished, you wouldn't be missed. When you feel your life has no purpose or significance, you wonder if any would remember you should you simply fade into the ether as if you never were. Times like this I'm reminded of the story of "It's a Wonderful Life". Is it possible for even the most insignificant of us to touch the lives of so many just for having stepped into those lives for a moment -- a heartbeat?

I have found a love that takes my breath away in its power and devotion. Yet despite having such a wonderful gift I find myself sad and unhappy. Doubts plague my mind, as is always the way of things when you've been hurt and betrayed in the past. And so I struggle with the voice of my inner demons whispering in my ear that I'm not worthy, not good enough, asking why anyone would care. I wrestle daily with that dark Muse because despite her piercing my heart and mind, she also suffuses herself in my art and writing. So somehow I must find a balance between darkness and light during the time of year when Darkness prevails.

I've begun taking a look at my own ugliness and trying to come to terms with things I thought I had already conquered. But the winter king won't allow me to forget the lessons learned in sorrow. This is his time of the year, the time when the wheel turns in his favor and he gets stronger and stronger the closer it comes to Yule. Soon the night of the dead will come and I hope to look even deeper into myself and seek wisdom from those that have gone. Being right with myself is the only way I will be able to happy and honest with the one I love so desperately it might even border on obsession. But even a little obsession can be good at times. The pendulum swings to the night half of the year. When Spring comes and the pendulum moves to the other side, perhaps things will have improved.